Grace in a Dream

I wasn't feeling well when I woke up this morning; not well at all. As much as I'd like to deny the reality, it's pretty common these days. But not unmanageable. After sitting on the bathroom floor for the better part of on hour, feeling the coolness of the tub ledge pressing into my cheek, I ambled back to my bedroom to try to get back to sleep.
The sky wasn't dark anymore, but with all the clouds out today, it wasn't light either. Instead, the faint traces of morning illuminated my walls and ceiling with a soft greyish-blue. I slipped easily between sleep and consciousness and, as often happens in this stage of repose, vivid dream.

Whenever I am fortunate enough to remember my dreams, which isn't often, I am surprised by how many people I can recall seeing. Cousins, siblings, teachers, parents, friends -near to me and so far away, kindred spirits, mere acquaintances. They pass me on the street, show up at church, and wave on their way to class. Sometimes I think I must have seen every soul I've ever met.

I don't remember much except for the most important parts. My cousin Jaime was showing me around my new ward. I think I ran into Heidi, my Welsh friend from when I was ten. At some point, I may have lost a shoe. Railee and I wandered hand-in-hand, like happy children, through the forests and ponds of somewhere. Treetops pierced by the amber glaze of winter evening's light. Hours passed in minutes.

Near the end, I met my favorite visitor, as I often do. There she was: my sweet Risa. Her wasted wrists, her short-cropped hair, her smile and bright eyes, unchanged. I never look for her. She finds me. Often. She giggled and talked animatedly to Railee and me. I don't remember what she said. I wish I could.
The light was getting stronger now, like the day was going in reverse. I could feel the goodbyes coming and it hurt. We sat tangled in each others' arms crying quiet, grateful tears -soaking in our time together before we'd have to open our eyes.

I woke. I wasn't crying. I was breathing in tempo with the ticking clock, feeling her slip from behind my eyelids. Feeling well.